Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Quest to Cure

In my quest to heal myself, I’ve been studying a lot lately. Its all jumbled up right now because every single thing that I come across catches my attention and I deviate from the current subject! But I am learning something new every day and that is what matters, isn’t it?

One of the most interesting ideas that I read was in a book called ‘The last Best Cure by Donna Jackson Nakazawa’. According to her, our past traumas, especially the ones that happen before we enter adulthood, cause deep effect on us leading to illnesses later in life. Be it passing of a parent, a sudden shock, physical or emotional abuse – they all lead to damaging our cells in some way or the other.

I already knew parenting was hard, but to be present for your children in such a huge way is next to impossible. The only way out is to love your child unconditionally and make them feel that adulation all the time. It not only helps in building their confidence but also keeping them healthy in the long run. It certainly heals all wounds and all that they are going through without telling you.

This also brings me to the current state of our country. The pandemic is severely affecting adults and kids alike. Our country is collectively gearing up for PTSD. What happens to these kids in adulthood when they have been exposed to next to nothing during the past year and a half? The media is constantly creating fear, parents are afraid, and losing near and dear ones is not helping. The emotinal damage because of this is inconceivable.

What happens when we realise later in life that we faced a trauma, or some form of abuse which affects us health-wise? How do we get over it? Apparently by practicing mindfulness,forgiveness, and gratitude. I’ve had my share of things in the past which surface as I practice mindfulness. Things I didn’t even think mattered have emerged as quite important during meditation.

Frankly, I am new to all this. I have no idea how imperative these thoughts are. Are they coming out on their own from my subconscious mind or is my brain creating them? More importantly, when I practice forgiveness and gratitude, will these ‘traumas’ from my past have less effect on my body and mind in the future?

Well, we have been told time and again that we must forgive and forget, we must be grateful for what we have, and we must remain positive under all circumstances. But it wasn’t until now that I learnt how to truly do these things. Sometimes I feel I will go crazy reading this stuff! At other times I want to go crazy in the quest to find a second life for me..

I truly hope and pray that these efforts will be successful and I will emerge a better person physically and mentally. I am amazed at my experiences and I will document them when the miracle happens.

Until then, I am deep in my thoughts and journaling them here helps me a lot!

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Dreams

This time, last year, I was weaving stories for the A to Z challenge to make up for the lull that was April, 2020. How naive we all were then, how naive we are now. So much has changed in the last one year even though we are supposedly in a partial global lockdown with little that is happening.

Life is ironic and how! At a personal level this has been a dramatically positive time for me. I feel almost guilty for saying it out loud when the world is going through so much strife. I do pray and wish this was over soon and we don't end up losing a lot, but I can't help and wonder how this year has been good for me.

I can't delve into details, not just as yet because I want to weave a long detailed story around it. Today I want to talk about dreams. Do you have vivid dreams?

I usually see dramatic visuals during wee hours of the morning when I am just about to wake up. Maybe I just remember those dreams because I am half awake. Lately, I have been having such life affirming visions that I am positive a huge change is coming.

Before I use to see people from my past and present. I use to see mundane things about my school days, college life, missing a flight, being unprepared for an exam, events surrounding my friends and family, etc. There were several occasions when I woke up and wanted to call up the person I saw in my dream and tell him/her about the incident! And now, now I see myself. I see me soaring high in ways I cannot explain. When I go to sleep I cannot wait to dream yet another amazing incident that happens with me and then interpret that dream on google! There are times I see negative explanations, but I choose to see only the part that makes me happy and focused on reaching my goals.

What has led to these dreams? Well, I've been reading and practicing the power of my subconscious mind and focusing on results. I am also being healed by a pranic healer who, I feel, is a magician of sorts! I am writing down these dreams in detail so that when the time comes, I can share them since, as you know, I like to share everything!

Infact, I should have documented all my vivid dreams - how beautiful it is to be lost in a parallel world where anything and everything is possible. Ah, I am watching Anne with an E and her penchant for extreme imagination is having an effect on me!

I wonder what I would be writing about this day next year. I have two things in mind, but for that you will have to come back on 15 April 2022.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

Meditate to stay strong

 

I started meditating in 2019. I was in this weird place where everything anyone said to me/about me bothered me to no end. It made me feel small and miserable and I wanted a way out.

Little did I realise that it was a small reason to open me to a plethora of possibilities. I started looking inwards for many answers and affirmations. When you’ve had an illness since childhood your brain is truly messed up. Mine was(is) no exception.

As I entered my late 30’s, I saw everyone around me becoming serious about their health. I witnessed couch potatoes become marathon runners, food connoisseurs become gym champions, night owls become yoga gurus, you get the drift. I realised that my necessity to exercise to keep my muscles moving was clearly the need of every individual around me. I finally felt relieved – everyone in this world was battling a sickness!

And those who were keeping fit just to stay in shape started to inspire me. However, I’ve been at it since I was in kindergarten and almost half my lifetime later, I am bored of doing every regime. If you think you can push your children to stay healthy by making them exercise regularly as kids, you are highly mistaken mister! I had a stationary cycle at home, I was assigned a yoga teacher and I was made to do different exercises, but thirty years later, I still hate them all. Make your children fall in love with their body, fitness shall follow.

Free advice from a child-free person aside – over the last few years I have come to understand that mind is more powerful than muscle, and boy, I have plenty of that! Few minutes of regular meditation later, I feel I am a happier and a more determined person. I have a few techniques in my pocket starting from chakra awakening to focusing on your breath to Buddhism and I follow them all depending on my mood. Trust me, they all work.

Meditation is also the go-to thing for lazy bums like me. You can do it lying down, slouching on the couch on a rainy afternoon or while trying to fall asleep. I have a crazy mind that wanders from 1989 to 2009 to 2019 within a span of few seconds. Focusing on my breath for a few minutes a day gives it a much-needed break.

Lately the Boy and I have started watching Headspace on Netflix. I found the series very impressive and plan to re-watch once I finish. The idea is to remember to meditate whenever the mind wanders. I truly believe happiness and perseverance are most important and beyond any disability that you may have. Meditation helps you get closer to acing them and that too while just staying still!

Sunday, December 27, 2020

A Letter

 

Dear Chronic Illness,

I saw you in the morning while on my a.m. walk around the compound. After exactly ten strides, you made an appearance on my hips. They danced from left to right giving Michael Jackson a run for his money. After ten minutes, you told me to stop and sit down.

As much as I like to rule the world, I hate the fact that I am ruled by you! I am like the head of state who is constantly guided by a leader in the background. People term me as a meek person who gives up easily in various circumstances despite the picture seemingly looking fine. Oh well, they don’t know about you, the ‘wind’, sorry, the ‘storm’ beneath my wings.

The other day I had to visit a friend who lives in my old building. I was slightly nervous that you will meet me there and spoil my mood. It was meant to be a fun evening of chit-chat and good food, but you don’t like any of that, do you? As soon as you saw that tiny step at the entrance of the building, you cried for help like you were drowning in Titanic. You knew the drill and had experienced this a million times before. Yet when the moment came, you caved and became nervous. You could have worn a life jacket, asked for help and glided through, but you couldn’t just let go of your constant need for attention, could you? My friend felt guilty that she didn’t extend her hand on time and I felt bad for making her feel that way. All because of you.

It is not like I ignore you – infact you are all I think about. Then why do you behave like an insecure lover constantly calling me, messaging me, tracking my whereabouts and then pouncing on me whenever I seem to be having a little bit of fun? You clearly need distraction.

Even though you pull me back in nearly everything in life, I have befriended you indefinitely. Yes, I don’t have a choice, but I do have a choice to resent you, don’t I? Yet I think God chose me to handle you because He thought I could take it. Of course I don’t relish you, that would be very saint-like and heaven knows, I am not one! I am proud of the person I am despite you constantly by my side, mistreating me. However, in my 38 years, I have learnt to abide by your ever-changing rules and being upbeat in all circumstances.

Like I do every few months, I am planning to take you to yet another rehabilitation. We have not tried this one before and I am sure you will be extremely reluctant to this change. Like every time, you will try to pull me down so that I give up. But like you, I am a fighter. Let’s learn to co-exist in peace – I will not push your limits, you don’t take me to the edge.

Or else? Ah, I can’t do much, can I? I will call you names, struggle, cry a bit and then think of a new program that suits both of us. I am not giving up. Nah. Never.

 

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

The Dog Walkers of Vista Villas


Mini, Manas, Mark, and Mohammad

All got a dog each to play

They sit inside and cuddle them

While the walkers take the canines out every day.

 

I see them with a leash in their hand

They come in groups of two

Chatting away like on a mission

Discussing everyone barring a few.

 

I want to overhear their conversations

But their language I don’t understand

They cook, clean, and slog in the homes

To earn money in this strange, strange land.

 

Yet when they are out with these dogs

They seem as free as the ocean

Guiding the animals, giving them orders

I envy their laughter, love their motion.

 

I wonder how many stories they know

Of the family they and their friends work for

I’m curious about their lives back home

Of their children, of what their future has in store.

 

I call them the dog walkers of Vista Villas

Who stroll out of their rooms at dusk and dawn

Hiding a story, sharing a secret

Forgetting their troubles while life goes on.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

In the blink of an Eye



Nothing in life is permanent

Things change with a dramatic event

It becomes your before and after

You wish for monotony rather.

But it is not up to you, is it?

Even if you want to quit

These events shape our lives

It’s about who loses, who survives.

 

Your learning all these years is determined by

What you do

When life changes

In the blink of an eye.





Sunday, December 6, 2020

Travelling to India during the pandemic Covid-19

So, the Boy and I managed to travel to India from Bahrain in the dreaded year that is 2020. I was so nervous before the first flight that I forgot to take my house keys (thankfully I had locked the door with my spare key which I gave to a neighbour), missed switching off the air conditioner and packed haphazardly – all very unlike the pain-in-the-ass organised me.

Before getting on the plane to India, we called up a taxi driver who would take us from Delhi to the Boy’s home in Panchkula. A friend in India had advised me to get the transparent shield between the driver's seat and the passenger’s seat at the back. On requesting the service for the same, the driver informed us that there is no Corona in India now and so they have removed the sheet from the cars.

That was our sneak peek into what lay ahead. From a complete lockdown to Diwali card parties, India had transformed in the last few days. As the numbers started going down in October, the masks started slipping too.

Tough ride for tough people!!!

There were four types of people we encountered:

 Covidiots – Corona is a hoax; we don’t have to wear a mask. It is a sham by pharmaceutical companies across the world to make money. (How I wish our world leaders were so cordial with each other to even collaborate on a thing like Covid-19!)

Over-smart – We wear the mask below the nose because we can’t breathe in it. Doesn’t matter if we get corona, mortality rate is low in India. (Ask my friend who lost her mother, another who lost her uncle, an acquaintance who lost her father, the list is endless.)

Afraid of the fine – We wear mask under the chin only to pull it up when we see the police because we eat turmeric and drink magical concoction by Swami Diecorona and can never get Covid. (slow clap for the 'brightest minds' in the world who are making vaccines in the form of Ayurvedic solutions and sweet homeopathic pills, Pfizer and Moderna need coaching! Doesn't mean I am a non-believer, I just feel if it was that simple, we wouldn't have been here in the first place.)

The paranoid/ outcasts/ anti-social/ ‘darpok’ – These people wear their mask, follow all the rules, step out only when necessary and feel extremely uncomfortable when the people around them don’t. I bow down to them and salute their resilience. No kidding.

5- Attention seekers with masks like these

We went home because we were missing family. We did an RT-PCR test before leaving Bahrain and took a rapid antigen test five days after reaching homeland. We have been tested after coming back too and by God’s grace and smart precautions, we have been spared.

When we were in India we did the following to protect ourselves and our families:

   - Wore a disposable surgical mask every time we stepped out (which was mainly for long drives, take-away coffee, airports, and a couple of outdoor restaurants) and threw it the moment we were home.

 - We finished almost three 100 ml bottles of hand sanitizers! I used hand cream to hydrate the palms at night otherwise I was on the verge of developing bruises on my skin.

 - We did natural things that our parents were doing like taking steam, drinking hot water, having turmeric milk at night, etc.

 - We went to eat out but did not step indoors at any restaurant (except two because there was no other option due to some reasons). All places were outdoors with a lot of ventilation. We wore our masks while interacting with the staff. 

- While travelling from one city to another, we wore masks, used hand sanitizers intensively, used face shields, and made use of alcoholic wipes to disinfect spaces.

 - While booking our flight tickets, we paid extra to get the front row so that we are in less contact with people. Indigo is selling ‘double seat’ in flights so that no one sits next to you - we booked those for the three domestic routes we took. They made us feel super safe.

 - We even did a 3-night staycation in Goa at a five-star resort. Although that wasn’t part of the plan and it wasn’t the most important thing to do, we took our chances. We did all the above things and tried to be as safe as possible.

First covid test is always special and poseworthy!

We were not 100% safe, but we tried our best. Maybe we were lucky, or maybe our efforts worked – we shall never know. However, we wanted to do our bit for the tourism industry, and we are so glad we took that step. Now, now, don't roll your eyes!

 I came back with a content heart and a smile on my face. For anyone who is missing family, haven’t seen their parents in over a year, I’d say take the plunge. Be careful, mindful and smart. It was a very hard journey for us which took almost 14 hours from one door to the other. Being in a mask and constantly being cautious of your surroundings makes it torturous. But I would do it again in a second to meet my loved ones, and take that awesome vacation in Goa. You know, just to help the tourism industry!

Practice Social Distancing :)