Start, restart, whatever!

 Wen you are 38, everything becomes slow. I thought it happened at 75, but it seems it starts in your mid-thirties. People tell you it will, but you vow to stay young at heart. Bullshit!

But the good thing about slow is all the extra time you get to be wiser. You start meditating on things and it makes slow, umm, interesting. You are not in a hurry to get anywhere; your expectations are really low with results and you are prepared to be patient.

That doesn’t make the journey easier. But then you look at the bright side, or, sides. You start believing in sustainable. You start understanding energy, and aura, and positivity. You explore areas you never thought existed. And it is all because of that horrible thing called SLOW.

I am slowing down. I slowed down way before but I was in denial. Now I am in the know. Knowing that you are not getting anywhere fast enough makes disappointments easier to handle. So I fall, I learn and I rise again much faster. For example, I was running to get somewhere for the last six weeks. Slow results started to disappoint me after week five. I took three days, exactly three days, and I am on day one of until I fall again.

Yeah, I am sure I will fall, but I know I will rise, maybe more quickly the next time because I fell slowly too but I rose faster.

I am beginning to see the good sides of getting older. Besides having more money than when you had in your twenties, or dreaming of travelling business someday, you also get insight. You become intelligent emotionally. You learn how to get rid of useless feelings. And you restart where you fell.

If you read this blog often (which you don’t!) you will see how the writer has grown up. I don’t write rants anymore because I don’t get time after a situation which gives rise to a rant. I am busy starting again!

Sounds exciting, right? I bet you cant wait to grow up if you haven’t already. I am still not sure if that is good or bad. I will go with good for the time being!

Quest to Cure

In my quest to heal myself, I’ve been studying a lot lately. Its all jumbled up right now because every single thing that I come across catches my attention and I deviate from the current subject! But I am learning something new every day and that is what matters, isn’t it?

One of the most interesting ideas that I read was in a book called ‘The last Best Cure by Donna Jackson Nakazawa’. According to her, our past traumas, especially the ones that happen before we enter adulthood, cause deep effect on us leading to illnesses later in life. Be it passing of a parent, a sudden shock, physical or emotional abuse – they all lead to damaging our cells in some way or the other.

I already knew parenting was hard, but to be present for your children in such a huge way is next to impossible. The only way out is to love your child unconditionally and make them feel that adulation all the time. It not only helps in building their confidence but also keeping them healthy in the long run. It certainly heals all wounds and all that they are going through without telling you.

This also brings me to the current state of our country. The pandemic is severely affecting adults and kids alike. Our country is collectively gearing up for PTSD. What happens to these kids in adulthood when they have been exposed to next to nothing during the past year and a half? The media is constantly creating fear, parents are afraid, and losing near and dear ones is not helping. The emotinal damage because of this is inconceivable.

What happens when we realise later in life that we faced a trauma, or some form of abuse which affects us health-wise? How do we get over it? Apparently by practicing mindfulness,forgiveness, and gratitude. I’ve had my share of things in the past which surface as I practice mindfulness. Things I didn’t even think mattered have emerged as quite important during meditation.

Frankly, I am new to all this. I have no idea how imperative these thoughts are. Are they coming out on their own from my subconscious mind or is my brain creating them? More importantly, when I practice forgiveness and gratitude, will these ‘traumas’ from my past have less effect on my body and mind in the future?

Well, we have been told time and again that we must forgive and forget, we must be grateful for what we have, and we must remain positive under all circumstances. But it wasn’t until now that I learnt how to truly do these things. Sometimes I feel I will go crazy reading this stuff! At other times I want to go crazy in the quest to find a second life for me..

I truly hope and pray that these efforts will be successful and I will emerge a better person physically and mentally. I am amazed at my experiences and I will document them when the miracle happens.

Until then, I am deep in my thoughts and journaling them here helps me a lot!

Dreams

This time, last year, I was weaving stories for the A to Z challenge to make up for the lull that was April, 2020. How naive we all were then, how naive we are now. So much has changed in the last one year even though we are supposedly in a partial global lockdown with little that is happening.

Life is ironic and how! At a personal level this has been a dramatically positive time for me. I feel almost guilty for saying it out loud when the world is going through so much strife. I do pray and wish this was over soon and we don't end up losing a lot, but I can't help and wonder how this year has been good for me.

I can't delve into details, not just as yet because I want to weave a long detailed story around it. Today I want to talk about dreams. Do you have vivid dreams?

I usually see dramatic visuals during wee hours of the morning when I am just about to wake up. Maybe I just remember those dreams because I am half awake. Lately, I have been having such life affirming visions that I am positive a huge change is coming.

Before I use to see people from my past and present. I use to see mundane things about my school days, college life, missing a flight, being unprepared for an exam, events surrounding my friends and family, etc. There were several occasions when I woke up and wanted to call up the person I saw in my dream and tell him/her about the incident! And now, now I see myself. I see me soaring high in ways I cannot explain. When I go to sleep I cannot wait to dream yet another amazing incident that happens with me and then interpret that dream on google! There are times I see negative explanations, but I choose to see only the part that makes me happy and focused on reaching my goals.

What has led to these dreams? Well, I've been reading and practicing the power of my subconscious mind and focusing on results. I am also being healed by a pranic healer who, I feel, is a magician of sorts! I am writing down these dreams in detail so that when the time comes, I can share them since, as you know, I like to share everything!

Infact, I should have documented all my vivid dreams - how beautiful it is to be lost in a parallel world where anything and everything is possible. Ah, I am watching Anne with an E and her penchant for extreme imagination is having an effect on me!

I wonder what I would be writing about this day next year. I have two things in mind, but for that you will have to come back on 15 April 2022.

Meditate to stay strong

 

I started meditating in 2019. I was in this weird place where everything anyone said to me/about me bothered me to no end. It made me feel small and miserable and I wanted a way out.

Little did I realise that it was a small reason to open me to a plethora of possibilities. I started looking inwards for many answers and affirmations. When you’ve had an illness since childhood your brain is truly messed up. Mine was(is) no exception.

As I entered my late 30’s, I saw everyone around me becoming serious about their health. I witnessed couch potatoes become marathon runners, food connoisseurs become gym champions, night owls become yoga gurus, you get the drift. I realised that my necessity to exercise to keep my muscles moving was clearly the need of every individual around me. I finally felt relieved – everyone in this world was battling a sickness!

And those who were keeping fit just to stay in shape started to inspire me. However, I’ve been at it since I was in kindergarten and almost half my lifetime later, I am bored of doing every regime. If you think you can push your children to stay healthy by making them exercise regularly as kids, you are highly mistaken mister! I had a stationary cycle at home, I was assigned a yoga teacher and I was made to do different exercises, but thirty years later, I still hate them all. Make your children fall in love with their body, fitness shall follow.

Free advice from a child-free person aside – over the last few years I have come to understand that mind is more powerful than muscle, and boy, I have plenty of that! Few minutes of regular meditation later, I feel I am a happier and a more determined person. I have a few techniques in my pocket starting from chakra awakening to focusing on your breath to Buddhism and I follow them all depending on my mood. Trust me, they all work.

Meditation is also the go-to thing for lazy bums like me. You can do it lying down, slouching on the couch on a rainy afternoon or while trying to fall asleep. I have a crazy mind that wanders from 1989 to 2009 to 2019 within a span of few seconds. Focusing on my breath for a few minutes a day gives it a much-needed break.

Lately the Boy and I have started watching Headspace on Netflix. I found the series very impressive and plan to re-watch once I finish. The idea is to remember to meditate whenever the mind wanders. I truly believe happiness and perseverance are most important and beyond any disability that you may have. Meditation helps you get closer to acing them and that too while just staying still!

A Letter

 

Dear Chronic Illness,

I saw you in the morning while on my a.m. walk around the compound. After exactly ten strides, you made an appearance on my hips. They danced from left to right giving Michael Jackson a run for his money. After ten minutes, you told me to stop and sit down.

As much as I like to rule the world, I hate the fact that I am ruled by you! I am like the head of state who is constantly guided by a leader in the background. People term me as a meek person who gives up easily in various circumstances despite the picture seemingly looking fine. Oh well, they don’t know about you, the ‘wind’, sorry, the ‘storm’ beneath my wings.

The other day I had to visit a friend who lives in my old building. I was slightly nervous that you will meet me there and spoil my mood. It was meant to be a fun evening of chit-chat and good food, but you don’t like any of that, do you? As soon as you saw that tiny step at the entrance of the building, you cried for help like you were drowning in Titanic. You knew the drill and had experienced this a million times before. Yet when the moment came, you caved and became nervous. You could have worn a life jacket, asked for help and glided through, but you couldn’t just let go of your constant need for attention, could you? My friend felt guilty that she didn’t extend her hand on time and I felt bad for making her feel that way. All because of you.

It is not like I ignore you – infact you are all I think about. Then why do you behave like an insecure lover constantly calling me, messaging me, tracking my whereabouts and then pouncing on me whenever I seem to be having a little bit of fun? You clearly need distraction.

Even though you pull me back in nearly everything in life, I have befriended you indefinitely. Yes, I don’t have a choice, but I do have a choice to resent you, don’t I? Yet I think God chose me to handle you because He thought I could take it. Of course I don’t relish you, that would be very saint-like and heaven knows, I am not one! I am proud of the person I am despite you constantly by my side, mistreating me. However, in my 38 years, I have learnt to abide by your ever-changing rules and being upbeat in all circumstances.

Like I do every few months, I am planning to take you to yet another rehabilitation. We have not tried this one before and I am sure you will be extremely reluctant to this change. Like every time, you will try to pull me down so that I give up. But like you, I am a fighter. Let’s learn to co-exist in peace – I will not push your limits, you don’t take me to the edge.

Or else? Ah, I can’t do much, can I? I will call you names, struggle, cry a bit and then think of a new program that suits both of us. I am not giving up. Nah. Never.

 

The Dog Walkers of Vista Villas

Mini, Manas, Mark, and Mohammad

All got a dog each to play

They sit inside and cuddle them

While the walkers take the canines out every day.

 

I see them with a leash in their hand

They come in groups of two

Chatting away like on a mission

Discussing everyone barring a few.

 

I want to overhear their conversations

But their language I don’t understand

They cook, clean, and slog in the homes

To earn money in this strange, strange land.

 

Yet when they are out with these dogs

They seem as free as the ocean

Guiding the animals, giving them orders

I envy their laughter, love their motion.

 

I wonder how many stories they know

Of the family they and their friends work for

I’m curious about their lives back home

Of their children, of what their future has in store.

 

I call them the dog walkers of Vista Villas

Who stroll out of their rooms at dusk and dawn

Hiding a story, sharing a secret

Forgetting their troubles while life goes on.

 

 

 

 

In the blink of an Eye

Nothing in life is permanent

Things change with a dramatic event

It becomes your before and after

You wish for monotony rather.

But it is not up to you, is it?

Even if you want to quit

These events shape our lives

It’s about who loses, who survives.

 

Your learning all these years is determined by

What you do

When life changes

In the blink of an eye.