Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Ten months into 2019

This year has been quite interesting in terms of new things. There are still two months to go and I already feel it was a great year. The Boy would disagree though, he has been unwell for most part of it.

2019 started with me and the Boy attending the first wedding in his family in over 10 years of our marriage. Due to certain reasons, I am extremely wary of people in general, and so this experience was a dreaded one. After I came back, I only understood one thing in my life... that God has and will always take care of me. I faced every difficulty, every challenge with utmost ease. I felt His presence numerous times in those three days and I shall forever remember it.

After this trip, I was coaxed into an all-girls trip to Amsterdam. Given my anxiety levels of travelling without the Boy, my palpitations started just after booking the tickets! It was a very hard trip for me - emotionally and physically - yet I came back with some happy memories. I wanted to do this once and I am so glad I did. Will I go again? Well, I highly doubt, but then, never say never!

Due to certain disagreements with a few friends, I had my first ever real fight with them. We didn't speak to each other for almost a month and it was a tormenting time. I have never been in a fight with someone, and it just kills me to not talk to close friends! Thankfully good sense prevailed and we buried our differences. All is well in my land now.

And this was just mid-year. We went to England to watch the Cricket World Cup, and boy, what a thrilling experience that was. I sang, I screamed, I waved and enjoyed every second of it. I wish I could experience new things like this every year.. it makes everything so worth it.

Having experienced extreme anxiety and emotional stress in the first half, I decided to take up meditation. Incidentally a friend recommended a life coach and I was intrigued. All of us can watch videos on YouTube and meditate, but understanding that positivity is a lifestyle requires conditioning. My coach taught me invaluable lessons and I really hope and pray that I remember them for life. I have started meditating successfully and hoping to see dramatic results in the months to come.

A massive impact of this has been on work front. Now this is a part of my family business but I have been avoiding it for years. After starting my meditation, I told my sister-in-law that I would handle her digital media. She was thrilled to say the least and hired me without thinking. A professional was doing this job for her.. I had some very talented shoes to fill. So far, I guess I am doing okay! I am obviously not going to take any money for this, but it feels great to be a part of the economic system!!!

A week from now we will be heading to a Naturecare resort. Both me and the Boy have some ailments that need attention. We have been procrastinating for long and thought this was the best time to do it. I will be writing a diary there to publish for the Internet world. The place needs authentic reviews and documentation of daily routine - teeth that sparkle will be there to the rescue!

And fingers crossed, my bestie will visit me in December. This will be a first as well and end a very exciting 2019. I am looking forward to the next two months with great enthusiasm. Awesome things are in store and I can't wait to see what happens next!

See you guys from the Naturecare resort...err... Institute!!!! I am dreading the hunger, the pain and the things that I will have to endure.. yet, I am so excited! Wish me luck.

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Major Life in Progress Report!

- I am alive and kicking, just not writing. Oh well I am writing too, just not here!

- It has been five days since the Boy left for a 'Boys trip' and I am miserable. How do people live alone, without a companion, without a soul to talk to at night? I am not in an office all day, but even if I were, I would hate to come back to an empty apartment. Thank God the Boy is coming back tonight or I would eat more Mars chocolates than I should!

- I finally started working, or I think I am contributing to a business! I handle social media marketing for my dad's business now and I couldn't be happier. It involves my love for writing, looking at pretty pictures, chatting with my sister-in-law and generally obsessing over things. I plan to take this up big time, but lets see.

- I think a major health hazard that I was facing for years is dissipating. I will tell you how.

- After years and years of being an obsessive planner, I've stopped being one. I will tell you how.

- I think I have become a better person, Ok let me tell you how. So I took up this meditation course from a life coach in India. I meet her on video call thrice a week and she gives me basic life gyaan that I have repeatedly heard since time immemorial. However, A has a power to influence you like no other. Basically this gyaan tries to stop you from thinking about negative things/people/situations and focus on yourself and your life. I have learnt meditation under her guidance too, and now I think I am a better human being. Yippeee!!

- So the fact that my health is better, I have started working, my mindset is better, and I get to connect with a higher source is all due to the fact that I have started meditation. It is a feeling like no other and I've been smiling a lot more. Seriously, when I am in meditation, sometimes my lips quiver due to smiling too much!

Isn't it amazing? There is a lot more that I want to achieve, but this is a start. Now I need not report it here but I feel I owe it to this blog. I've spent years of loneliness here. I've had sad days and happy days and celebratory days in this spot. It deserves to know everything. And now that my life is changing for the first time in 37 years, it deserves to know as well. I am hoping to write a book on my life the day it changes completely - I even have a title ready!!!! Yeah, a little madness is the key to achieving greatness and I've been a tad crazy from the start.

- There is a logic to it all - we see miracles around us everyday. There is a greater power that makes these miracles happen. When we become totally positive, open our chakras and delve deep into our soul, we encourage that greater power to connect with us. It is this connection that makes miracles happen. I am just trying that connection...

Dear blog, you are and you always will be the first to know so that years later when I come back here I can find my life in words. I have several memories of misery, but this connection makes me hopeful of a brighter future not just for me, but for many others who will find hope in my madness. This may sound weird in many ways, but I can guarantee that one day it will start to make sense.

If I were drunk today, it would totally be understandable. But fear not you feeble minds, I shall come back again and explain everything to you! Until then, stalk this space.

Tuesday, July 16, 2019


Imagine that you are healthy
It isn’t hard to do
Close your eyes – hop, skip and jump
Imagine and it will come true.

Imagine that you are wealthy
That is an easy task
Driving a Porche, wearing a Prada
Imagine and you won't even have to ask.

Imagine that you are happy
Don’t we all want bliss?
Think you are in a park, laughing out loud
Imagine and you will attain happiness.

Imagine that there is only the good
And it will come bouncing back
STOP feeding negativity
Imagine and get your life on track.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

This Blog is my Therapy

I started this blog more than 12 years ago to chronicle my life. In the beginning, I forced my friends to read every single thing I wrote. Unable to decline my repeated threats, most of them obliged.

A few months into the blogging world, I made some friends. We were there for each other in thick and thin. When no one was reading our amateur stuff, we were lauding each other's work and found immense happiness in doing so. Readers/fans were easy to come by.

A lot of these people quit writing. Their blogs became ghost towns. I use to wonder what is happening in xyz's life after he/she stopped coming online. Those were the days..

Blogospere became a tad commercial with the rise of Indiblogger and Blogadda. I participated in contests trying my best to combine my personal life into brands to win prizes. There was a thrill attached to winning. I wrote a lot of fictional posts also. It made me happy - wasn't that the purpose of this space anyway?

There was a time when I thought I should write about more 'meaningful' posts. Everyone around me was writing on Feminism, Politics, Finance, and things that could make a difference. Pen is mightier than the sword they said. So I tried. And failed.

It is not that I don't have an opinion. It is not that I don't think my blog matters. I just wanted to be here and talk about me! Narcissistic much? Nah, it just gave me a space to vent out and talk about my feelings!

I have thought about this - If I am writing only personal stuff, I might as well write in a diary. Why do I need to put it out in the world to read?

It is very simple - I got a message from a bestie today. She told me she read my blog and thought she had missed out on a lot. She asked me about my life and what was going on. She inquired about my health and how I was coping. I told her the truth.

Had she asked me in general how I was, I would have given her an indifferent 'I am fine'. When she read my blog, a space where I am most real, she dug deeper into understanding what was really going on. We connected at a more sacred level for which I am extremely grateful.

And so I still write here and talk about everything I feel like talking about. It doesn't matter who is reading and who is not. It is these moments that matter. It makes you feel that the universe cares about you and you are absolutely fine in every way. It re-instills your faith in your friendships, in the written world and the world beyond.

Needless to say, this blog will exist till the end of time. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

The Power Within

A person with a chronic ailment does everything that he comes across to heal himself. It could be a persistent cough or a physical weakness or a life-consuming disorder, each one of us is fighting a health issue that we want resolved.

And when an illness starts from childhood, your parents take you to all doctors, yogi’s and tantrics to make you a healthier baby so that you can lead a normal life. I went to more than twenty such people.

I remember each one of them clearly since I spent a significant amount of time with all. Me and my mother use to go with utmost faith to any person who had healing powers…or so we were told. We tried all sorts of Ayurvedic medicines, Accupressure, Reiki, massage, special diets, feeding a cow on a full moon night ...the list is endless.

Yes, doctors were there, but medically there was no cure. And when you can’t find answers in medical science, you look upwards. We did our karma, did the best that we could and left the rest on God.

When I got married I looked no further than medical science. While it kept things in check, it did not heal. After a point in time things began to get worse and it took a toll on my mental health. I began to worry about my future and nothing in the present made me happy.

It is then I thought I will start to learn meditation for I knew everything starts from your head. I started looking out for videos on youtube, for internet is where you go to these days, not tantrics and yogis!

Incidentally a friend of mine called me to tell about this Life Coach cum Spiritual Guru cum Brahma Yog expert who takes online lessons for people who cannot meet her in person. I thought it would be too much gyaan that I already have and hence was reluctant to start the sessions. After three days of sitting on it, I decided to give it a go because I had nothing to lose.

I have taken four sessions so far. A, my teacher, has started with trying to train my thoughts with acceptance and trust in my good destiny which, according to her, all of us are blessed with. We work with her guidance into life and subsequently opening of chakras. At first I thought this was the proverbial satsang and I am too young and intelligent for that. Then I realised that I know but I really don’t apply anything!

She has told me to trust her approach. She has told me to work really hard. She has told me that I will become the first person in this world to say that I was cured of this particular disorder.

Do I want to be able to say that? Do I want to trust her? Do I want to work hard? Yes, yes and yes. It takes a special amount of courage to start trusting again that things will be okay when you have been in and out of the same situation multiple times and that too in childhood – the precious time when things get ingrained in your head. But I am willing to make that leap of faith once again. I want to be like my parents who did the same for me every single time. I want to be like the little girl I was who saw a glimmer of hope at the end of every tunnel.

Maybe I am still that girl who believes even Green tea can work wonders. Faith can move mountains they say. Trust might just be what I need in my life.

Let the sessions continue! 

Thursday, June 27, 2019

Be Yourself

As a country we are obsessed with approval. Our self confidence was broken by harsh rulers who ingrained white superiority over us hence making white the better colour. 

Patriarchy made girl child the inferior gender. Women were responsible to cook and make babies. They were considered the weaker sex and always put second. The sole purpose of a lady was to get married and bear children. Any disability to do so labelled her into many things which were far away from pleasant.

It is not just an Indian thing. Many societies have biases based on colour, gender and race making us constantly seeking approval of those whom we consider above us. I have seen very few people in my life who are comfortable in their own skin fearing no one, asking no one and needing no one.

So what makes a person strong enough to love who they are without having the need for reassurance that they are good enough? How are they wired differently from those who desire day-to-day confirmation that they are smart, beautiful and strong?

Well, it all starts at the very beginning. Parenting is tough and here it is where it all begins. No matter how you have been treated in your life, you must let your child know that he is and deserves the best.

There are parents around me who want to put their 4-year old on diet because he looks too fat. I see women trying face masks on their young ones to brighten their skin colour. There is comparison every single day with the boy next door who is better at alphabets than their kid…

Each parent of the new generation is of the mindset that they are cool. They believe that they don’t compare their children and are giving them the best upbringing. While it is a good thought to have, there needs to be consistency with what you practice. If your child will not get approval from you, he will start to seek it from outside. And that is where every parent will fail in their first and foremost exam.

We don’t need to put our children on a pedestal. We don’t have to tell them they are amazing or better than other kids. We just need to tell them that they are good enough.

The constant battle for ‘likes’ in our generation is a testimony to the fact how flawed our confidence is. We want ‘comments’ from friends and family to justify our existence. The popularity of a person is judged by the number of followers he has or how quickly he can get a thumbs-up from a large audience.

Isn’t it sad? For a few people in this world we waste our time and energy which we could have used to make ourselves better. We lose touch with our inner selves, our inner personality just to please others. Whatever happened to love yourself first?

Life is too short to think less of yourself. You are God’s unique creation and are here for a purpose. Surround yourself with positive souls who lift you up. Be yourself and have no qualms about it.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

The Good Life

These last few days have been a mixed bag. While I fret over a lot of things, there is plenty more that make me feel blessed.

Every evening, while the Boy and his parents take an evening stroll in the walking path nearby, I sit at the neighborhood Starbucks and watch the world go by. No I am not lazy, I just do my exercise with a therapist and this is what is advised for me for the rest of the day. Did I tell you how much I love my therapist!?

I browse through my next holiday plans while sipping on a decaf. You see, coffee after 5 p.m. gives me a sleepless night. Wow, I sound like such a snob while writing this post - I promise, I am not one!

Since the parents are visiting, I cook every meal for them. The housework has increased probably by three times but I don’t really mind it. I cook, load the dishwasher, load the washing machine, play good movies for them while their son is at work and just watch a lot of election coverage with them. It is far from my usual lying-on-the-sofa-and-chilling-out life, but my therapist is happy that  I am moving more.

Yes, I still love her. And no, I don't move less usually.

I came back from my girls-only trip three weeks back. While it was awesome of my besties to take on the task, I don’t think it’s fair on both me and them to manage my comparatively lower energy levels with their enthusiastic selves. The Boy has learnt his way with me, I don’t want anyone else to compromise.

Anyway, I just wanted to update while sipping on my cuppa. I am super duper happy that I am going to travel next week. It is going to be amazing and I cannot wait. I will be updating this blog with my travel stories from the last 3 years in the month of July and August - the schools will be closed, all my friends will travel to their native land and the child-free me will be sweltering in this desert heat. 

I don't think I will come to Starbucks then. I only like to sit outside and the weather would make it difficult to even breathe. So I would write from the comforts of my air-conditioned apartment or would sometimes go to the pool-side with ice-cold water to sip on while I type on my regular Asus laptop.

No, I don't have a Mac. My priorities are set.

See you soon!