Friday, October 11, 2013

On Being Childfree

Maybe I am being too honest and writing this post too soon. Or, maybe not. Since I don’t assume things to change in the near future, I hope to save this till eternity. It has been almost 5 years to our marriage and being child-free has left our neighbours, maids, relatives, laundry guy, cleaners, nieces ... devastated! Everyone we meet looks at our ‘empty’ life with sympathy and tells us how they would be ‘praying’ for us. It is ironical that the same woman who will be ‘praying’ for us adopted a child and now regrets doing it because he is not a genius. Shameful -  that is all I have to say.

Anyway, children are amazing. I love to play with them. I respect and admire people who bring up these little ones in the best way possible. I love my nieces and nephews to bits and look at their pictures a whole lot. I love my friend’s children and aww when they call me maasi. I don’t know if they will love me when they grow up to be teenagers, but I am sure I will love them till the day I live. Love without possess - that does make me feel like an angel though!

Does that mean I am dying to have children of my own? No, not at all. I live in a very small country which probably has the most comfortable life in the world. It is as good as living in India without having to deal with traffic, inflation, relatives, the works. We have contemplated moving out a lot of times just because we have become too complacent in life! The sample of population that I have in front of me is of married couples in their 20’s or 30’s with a lot of disposable income and free time. Everyone seems to be happily married and has kids. So -  no bachelors, no divorcées, and certainly no couple without a kid.

That leaves us with no choice but to dodge the question. We are clear in our heads but to explain to everyone is a task. Now the Boy has always been someone who cares a damn about what people say. He is very vocal about his thoughts and I admire the brave rebel in him. But me, I have views that I am scared to share. I hate to go against what is considered normal. I am slowly learning from him how to stand up for what I truly believe in. It is a process that would take its own sweet time.

That brings me to the reasons for our decision. Are we selfish? Are we scared of responsibilities? Do we have health issues? Do we wish to travel without any guilt? Do we wish to save all our money just for ourselves? Do we think children can make us miserable? And again, are we selfish? – Yes, all of the above. 

At first it was only one of the above. But over the years we have discovered all the more reasons not have kids. I would not say that I never think about it. I do. I do think and talk about it a whole lot because I want to have a life without any regret. I don’t want to feel 10 years later that we should have thought it through. I speak to the Boy every now and then. I read blogs and memoirs of people who don’t have kids. I read about parents who are miserable. And then there are those who think kids make their home lively and bring new meaning to their life. Not only that, I also read hateful posts by people who think our sole purpose on earth is to reproduce. The more I talk about the issue and read about it, the better I feel about our decision.

Only recently, the Boy said that if we feel the need to have a child after 5 years, we have the option to adopt. I was surprised because I thought he was against the idea of adoption. Then I told him that my mother feels it is better to connect with a charitable organisation which would take care of several kids in the same amount of money that we would spend on raising just one child. He liked that idea too.

And so, if we feel the need, we would do just that and not over-populate the earth (with no offense to people who don't agree with us!). We would try to romance all our life. We would splurge on our nieces and nephews and be the best aunt and uncle ever. We would travel the world and show-off several passport stamps. We would indulge in random dancing and singing and playing at home to keep it as lively as it already is or could be if there was a certain baby in the house.

There is no doubt in my mind that innocent antics of children bring happiness to your home. But if they are the ONLY reason for your happiness, then you have a problem. Not us. 

24 comments:

  1. The world doesn't deserve children any more!

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    1. True. Although I am hoping to be convinced otherwise by a few good Samaritans.

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  2. Nisha congrats firstly for opening up like this and standing up for what you believe in!! I feel the same way and though it's been only 2 years of married life, hubby and me have discussed the possibility of not having a kid. We feel this now...who knows it may change...
    And the idea of sponsoring a/ many kids education is also close to us!
    Here's to love for life and being the driving forces ourselves!

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    1. Thankyou, Aditi. I feel unless you downright hate kids it is always good to keep the discussions open. You never know when you have a change of heart.
      As far as sponsoring education goes, we have explored that option as well and keenly looking at trustworthy organizations. Good luck to both of us!

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  3. I love you. I love you. I love you.

    You echoed every thought in my mind here. Although I have been married only for six months now, the idea of a baby repels the hell outa me. For reasons which you have clearly mentioned. Thankfully Cal feels the same for now.

    I might have kids later. Much later. But its not something I'm looking forward to. I'm so happy I'm not the only one with this thought.

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    1. I love you too, Soumya! I'm glad that you are on the fence about this because I feel 6 months is too soon a time to make a big decision like this one. I mean, even after 5 years I am not 100% sure since it is not natural according to the world. I feel for people who want to remain single. They are fighting a harder battle!

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  4. I like your attitude.Others have no business to express unsolicited their views on a very personal matter like this.You should go by what you both are comfortable with.

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    1. Well, others feel 'responsible' to explain things to 'immature' people!! And somehow, I don't blame them for it. If they see something out-of-ordinary happening around them, they have a right to question. It is a different thing that I have a right not listen to them or be answerable to anyone :)

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  5. Loved your post...it pisses me off when everyone around is more concerned about the couple's decision to have kids...and I know how uncomfortable it gets when they talk about it in family functions...I like your views on doing something different by making a change in the lives of truly deserving than making some uncomfortable decisions just to please people.

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    1. Shaivi, I am a very calm person. Things never seem to 'piss' me off! But the problem is that I can't be frank at family functions. I can't speak my mind because it can hurt our parents. Otherwise, if we are clear in our heads, it doesn't really matter who asks/says what.

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  6. lucky you have your family to support your decision. its very important to really feel like bringing up a kid instead of bowing down to societal norms.
    nice that u know wat u want.

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    1. Yes Vaishnavi, I feel really blessed to have a family who fully supports our decision. Otherwise it would have been very difficult for us to take such a stand. How our parents feel is very important to us and it is their love that gets us through. That is exactly how a happy family works!

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  7. Hi Nisha, I agree with you on most part , I think having or not having a child is very private decision and no one except the couple should have a say in it. The reasons for the decision should also be private .
    In the same tone-what makes an individual happy should also be up to them. If a sole reason for someone's happiness is their kid- I think that's fine too. Each phase of life different things make you happy and when you spend 15 hours or more a day spending with a an infant, one can not do it without making the baby sole reason for happiness;)

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    1. Prathima, since I am not a parent, I don't know how would it feel. What makes me sad is that some parents tend to shut themselves off from the world in order to raise their child in the best way possible. These parents end up feeling miserable once their children reach teenage and have a life of their own. That is why I say children should not be the sole reason for your happiness.
      I still don't know if the reasons should be kept private or not. Sometimes I feel it is better to speak from your heart than to have pent up emotions. At other times I feel that the questions would never stop once you start to spill the beans. It is a very difficult decision, believe me! Blogging about it and expressing to a bunch of sane people who would understand makes me feel better. I might never talk like this in, say, a family gathering where people would talk behind your back rather than be sensitive to your issues.

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  8. Anonymous10/13/2013

    There was a time when Geet and I were going through similar emotions. We had almost decided to be childless but then eventually changed our mind. I believe, to each his own and there is nothing wrong in not having a child. It is very personal.

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    1. Like I said - there are several reasons. And the most important of them all leaves us with little choice. Nevertheless, I'm not closing the discussion. You never know when we have a change of heart.

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  9. U know...its great that you are very open about your feelings. I may not share the idea about having kids...but I know the feeling of ppl asking intrusive questions and can totally relate to it. I had my daughter afyer 10 years of marriage. Mostly out of choice. Its a totally private decision...and it is the woman who is always questioned and never the guy...dont know why ppl cant stay out of others business? Can go on and on..but I guess I better stop here :) am glad you are strong in your decision. Its our choice..its our life.

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    1. Oh, the torture you must have faced for those ten years. I also don't really talk about it much because the questions don't stop. But this blog is my space and I am free to vent out.

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  10. I am surprised how you stay calm at family functions. A year or two after my marriage when people started questioning our intentions of marriage which according to them is solely to reproduce - I used to get so pissed off, my day would be spoiled. How can random people we see only at weddings have a say in something which is so private and personal ? My husband used to laugh it off and forget it completely ! Anyway clap clap to you for your patience. The curiosity of people extends to our bedrooms and beyond !

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    1. Anita, I am blessed with enormous amount of patience. Mostly it works in my favour. I get hurt only when people who should understand, don't. The world beyond those few doesn't matter to me.

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  11. Hello there! Came over after a long time and what do I find, my heart spoken out!!
    I'll be 2 years married in a month's time and have been happily childfree so far. I love children in general and dote on my nephew. Also, I know I want to have a baby. Someday. I don't know when that will be but I know pretty much that I want to be a mother some day. Just not yet. And its so damn painful explaining to families and the world what that means!!!
    I completely get your reasons too. Selfish? Yes!
    i'll have a baby when I feel I have lived enough of this kind of life, and really feel the need for a child in my life. All other reasons- age, family, blah blah don't cut with me!

    Love to you!

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  12. This is what I don't understand. People you barely know and barely care about, poking their nose into your business. We have the ropes in our hands and we are not puppets. To have or to not have a child is a personal decision. And I admire your courage and the bluntness in this post.

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    1. Yep, courage is what I need to face this harsh world! I hope I become stronger and not delete this post when people I know happen to hop around here!

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  13. Nisha, You have expressed this very nicely. I used to hate it when people asked, "So when are you planning..." Their favorite past-time!
    "Give a a break! We just got married!" I wanted to scream!!!

    Now we do have a daughter and they wanted to know when we'll have our next...Phew!
    Having a tough time managing 1 kid!
    I believe- There are some things that are not 'planned'. God decides...
    Some other things we can plan and hope all's well! :)

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Your sweetness makes my day. Gentle criticism will be taken in the right spirit too :)