Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Dilemma


A couple of days back, Roshan shared my post on Facebook. I subsequently had a panic attack and indirectly asked him to take it down. In between, I had my moments of self doubt and contemplation.

I started this blog six years back. I had no clue where it will go. I think I did put a link on Orkut for a few weeks before really understanding what I was doing. I reviewed books and movies, spoke about my friends and just gave general opinion on everything and anything that my heart felt deeply about. It was not an intellectual blog where I would talk about politics and economy. I am an Economics/Finance student and can easily chat about the GDP, PE ratio and the stuff that drives the world bonkers. But my blog reflected feelings more than the anything else. Why? – It just happened like that.

A few months back, my blog entered the big bad world of contests. To my surprise, I won a couple of competitions and so, felt obligated to explore my creativity. Frankly, I enjoy it. Blogging would have been a useless exercise if we didn’t achieve anything out of it. But in the process, I realised I was letting go of my privacy. This blog was no more sacred; more people were reading it and judging me.

I took down quite a few posts – the ones I felt were too close to my heart. Before, only my close friends and family members read this blog. And probably a few more people. I actually wanted them to read.  Now, I had no control over my readership and why should I? In the era of Indivine and 50+ comments on most blog posts, should I leave Teeth that Sparkle unnoticed?

I know it is a personal choice. Whether I want to follow the Billboard rule that says not to write anything on the internet that you don’t want to share or I want to pour my heart out on this space. This bring me to another question – why do I need a place like this to talk about my ‘feelings’ when I have an amazing real-life support system?

Some people have such silly problems, I tell you! Maybe I’ll start a blog called Batteessee and anonymously talk about what I realllyyyy want to say. But then, what will I discuss here – things about Manmohan Singh, Sanjay Dutt and Rajat Gupta? Nah, that would be so boring!

This post doesn’t solve the issue, does it? I guess I’ll wait for myself to become more famous before I reveal this space to more people! Till then, I’ll bore you with heart-to-heart conversations. And in the process, if someone who is not allowed to read comes here, I have a feeling I’ll be relived more than scared. 

I can see a crack in the shell; I must be growing up :)

17 comments:

  1. I understand what you wrote here. I used to share personal stuff on my blog. I even had my pictures. As the readership grew, I became more and more uncomfortable. And then I removed all my pics and put up a green turtle as my DP.
    I guess I like being without a face. :)

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    1. I am not doing much to increase readership because I'm quite moody when it comes to blogging! When more people read your blog, you feel you owe it to them and write well-researched meaningful stuff. So that's not an issue here :)

      Anyway, one part of me wants to give up the privacy and jump into the bandwagon. Another wants to keep this space just mine so that I can be myself. The confusion just keeps increasing!

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  2. I know how it feels. . You are not under any pressure to post, you can post as and when you feel. .

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    1. Exactly. Like a diary which is read by a selected few :)

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  3. I didn't join any blogging communities for a few months after I began blogging. It was a "very me" space with my thoughts for me and my near and dear ones. But like u, recently, I have also got into blogging contests & I sometimes ask myself if it is diluting the very purpose of starting this blog. So, as soon as I put up a contest entry, it is soon succeeded by a straight from the heart, a "very me" post.

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    1. That's a good way to start. Sometimes I see too many 'worldly' posts on my blog and feel I'm writing for someone else. The 'me' posts make me happier.

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  4. Anonymous4/01/2013

    I understand what you are trying to say. You can keep your blog the way you want to. After all that's what a blog is all about - self expression :)

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    1. Just like I said in my post - I'm confused. Personal rants on a public forum is not the best thing to do. If I do it anonymously, it's fine. Otherwise I think it's best to stick to global gyaan :)
      I love the way you and some other bloggers write - relating their own stories with the world. I'm yet to achieve that balance.

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  5. An interesting rambling of a post,more like thinking aloud.Came thro destiny's chilld and I am not poorer for it.I like the way you write

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    1. Oh ya, I do that a lot on my blog - thinking aloud, that is! Sometimes I manage to achieve solutions to my problems by narrating them here. And that is why I love my blog :)
      Glad you liked it too.

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  6. I am also not a fan of publicizing too much or trying too hard. I would like to use the platform to brush up my writing skills, and be a pro in that..may be write something seriously some day. I also won a contest, like you did and it felt really good. Yes knowing that there are more readers than I think gives me the fear.

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    1. Well, I'm in that confused stage right now where I don't know what I want from this space. I think some bloggers work really hard and that's commendable. Then there are some who write for themselves and don't bother about the world. I feel I'm in between - thinking whether I should change directions or stay put!

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  7. The concept of blogging started off as an extension of the habit of diary writing i guess. But now, this has become an expanding world in itself. Its true when more and more people read you one starts feeling insecure. I am also on that juncture and i could relate to your post so much.

    Especially loved the last line :)

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    1. Welcome here, Maliny.
      I guess we start by thinking it's like a diary. By the time our blog is a few years old, we introduce it to the world and start feeling insecure. Hopefully this should be a short phase.
      We will surely know when it's time to open up!

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  8. I can understand your feeling. When we blog about our lives we give the whole world a chance to read it. I have been very vocal about certain parts of my life and till now I have only received support. I think we just have to listen to our gut before we plan to write a personal post

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    1. Well, I refuse to believe that if I keep talking about how sad my life is on this platform people will actually care to read. There is a big difference between those who say that they care and those who actually do.
      Anyway, I don't need support. I just need to know that when I share my joy or sorrow, I will not be judged. I should not care, but I do!

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  9. Anonymous4/03/2013

    Just knowing that people have read my posts gives me a high. For some reason, if somebody reads my stuff and doesnt care to leave a comment, i feel disappointed.

    I dont think its immature, dunno how to explain it

    Cheers
    Crd

    Do visit mine
    Www.scriptedinsanity.blogspot.in

    ReplyDelete

Your sweetness makes my day. Gentle criticism will be taken in the right spirit too :)