Realisations at 39

 I have only recently realised quite a few things. Maybe because I am growing older, I have started thinking straight, or because I have started looking inwards more. Whatever it is, the realisations are not fun.

Firstly, I have become boring. I used to love to gossip. It was a major bonding factor with so many friends. Juicy info about people use to make my eyes shine bright and I use to beam with excitement. However, after many, many hiccups, gossip is not fun anymore. Even if you hear a story about someone, you cannot share it with many people because of the consequences it can bring to your social life. And what fun is gossip if you have to keep it a secret?

Secondly, I have started to think about my future more. I was never a person who focused on memories. And I was always a planner thinking ahead. But this planning was for a couple of years at max. It involved where our next vacation is going to be and how we are going to celebrate the next new year. Now, however, I think about old age and where life is leading us. I blame mid-life for this, and it totally sucks.

Thirdly, I now ask myself the forever eternal question - what am I doing with my life! Asking this question is like falling into a deep abyss to a point of no return. I have dedicated my life to my health, and it seems I was not able to do anything about it. I was meant to be the way I am, and it would have been better if I used my life in some other way. It's never too late to restart, right? Right.

I have always been the jealous type. I still am. But now, I have started feeling happy for people more than I feel jealous of them!!!!! Yeah, I told you, I have become boring.

We moved to the suburban part of Bahrain in 2020. We were bored to death and wanted an adventure. Little did we realise that we are completely changing our life. We eat at different places now. We hang out with different people – mostly people with kids who have chosen this suburban life for their families. We discuss their children’s problems and realise how lucky we are to be child-free and hence, stress-free! The move has also made me realise how lonely this world is and how easy it is to make friends because everyone is looking to meet new people – you just have to open up a bit and welcome them into your world with open arms.

Lastly, I have realised I will never take my vacations for granted. It was a blessing to travel every 2-3 months and now that I am stuck in the same city since months, I realise how important they were to me. I hate to cook and do laundry these days – the only responsibility I have!! It was because I use to take breaks, I was able to happily do housework. Without a break I am a housewife who does not do any housework. I just cannot go on living that monotonous life day in and day out.

Post lastly, I want to write more often. This is not a realisation but a vow. With so many people around me turning 40, I have an equal number of souls striving to achieve something in life. Some are struggling and some are already there. One common thing between all of them is that they work hard at life. I do too. I just need to shift my focus.

Oh yeah, that is a wonderful realisation.

A Friend in Need

 

Why do I come here whenever I am a little lost? Why this need to write it all down and want the world to read it? No wonder we have so many people who are sad in life and are writers! But hey, at least they write fiction.

I can also write fiction. So, I met a girl last evening. She seemed all sorted and happy and having the time of her life. We got into talking and one thing led to the other and she told me she was suffering. She had chronic pain which kept her awake at night. She wouldn’t cry but when she would see sunlight she would feel miserable and question why was this happening to her. Day would pass, pain would become a memory because of the pills she was taking, and gradually she would think of all the good things in her life and feel grateful. That is when she met people like me when she seemed her happiest self.

And then the pain would come back. She tells me it could be worse. She has read forums where people end up in hospitals due to pain. She says at least she doesn’t have a mental illness, at least she can meditate and de-stress herself. I just nod along because I don’t know what to tell her. She is completely sorted, just like I told you she was. There is no advice to give, no consolation. She starts to talk about the weather, and I know she wants to end this discussion. We move on to trivial things in life and just like that she starts laughing and making jokes.

We live in a funny world. Our parents told us not to share our misery. Our friends, media and education tell us to open up. As much as I would like to discuss my problems, it’s not easy. I would feel judged. And I wouldn’t want to get use to it. Imagine if this girl was telling her ‘sob story’ to every person she met. Imagine if this is all she could talk about because it consumed her entire day and she really didn’t have much else to discuss, would you want to meet her frequently? Now if she hid her scars and be her funny self, you would call her a positive, bubbly girl who brings you joy. Of course she would hesitate to tell you about her pain and have the title taken away from her!

So, what’s the middle ground? Should we all see therapists to discuss our woes? Or maybe we should have one best friend who knows it all and gives us consolation. We be transparent with that one person and a different individual with the rest of the world. What if that one person gets bored, moves away, or has reasons not to listen to us? Then we find another. Or better still, write a journal/blog because it is cathartic.

May we all find that one outlet that gives us a deep sense of happiness. May we have a friend, can tell a tale, paint a story, or sing a tune to escape our misfortune. And may we always, always keep our happy crown in place because fake or real, a smile does resolve our sorrow.

Ah, who knew a fictitious girl can teach you so much in just one little interaction!