Poultry Pictures

Pout. Arm Triangle. Tummy in. Leg swirl. Chin up.

The above are few of the many ways in which you can pose if you are using your 5 megapixel, smart phone camera to capture your every move in every place – the washroom of a swanky restaurant topping the list. The phenomena of taking a perfect picture which apparently looks absolutely identical to the last one, thanks to the use of a certain teapot pose, has been around for some time. You might have found your perfect pose (mine is a left angle, by the way), but there is always something new to learn.

The purpose of this post is to let you know how I absolutely abhor the chicken wing and the duck face. Every single day I see atleast one picture on my timeline which screams ‘I’m Angelina’ at the top of its voice. Apparently the subject thinks that bigger lips and thinner arms can genetically change an ugly face, more so because it doesn’t smile, it pouts.

I mean, whatever happened to giggling and saying cheese or like my husband likes to call it – the shaadi pose! You stand next to each other, wrap your arms around and smile. If you’re having a good time, the giggle will show. What will you know from looking like poultry? Moreover, when you are in the year 2030 and they are looking at your pictures, how will you explain your aquatic existence? My mum still has a hard time explaining the high pants, giant buns and gangster shades.

I am not saying I have never done it. What I’m saying is whenever I have done it, I have deleted it. The only other time I had my arms on the waist was when the husband walked with his dirty shoes on a wet floor creating marks on a clean surface. Although his pose was perfect for a picture – hands on ears and chin touching the neck.

It is so insanely weird to act like a celeb when you aren’t one. I would be fine if you were called Kareena Kapoor or Katrina Kaif. But if you are a regular Neha and Priya, you really need a reality check and a natural smile.

To add to it, the trend is to take candid pictures in a wedding. You no more have cameramen standing in front of the stage clicking pictures with your mom’s aunt’s pervert son’s father-in-law. Rather, he moves around the hall and clicks random pictures with genuine smiles.

This opposite style of capturing moments is very confusing. When you’re creating your wedding album, you pose looking at each other’s eyes trying to fool the world saying that it was a candid click. You try to show the world that everyone had a gala time at your party. But as soon as you go for your honeymoon, you quack and cock-a-doodle-do, collaging fowl imagery. Thankfully the husband is on the other side of the camera because otherwise his duck face would be much harder to explain to any children created during or after the holiday.

The only time I forgive girls with such a pose is when they are 16 and have problems that only they can understand. When a 32 year-old makes a sassy arm triangle, she loses my respect. And the pleasure of posing next to my awesome, natural smile which comes out perfect without trying to ape anyone in particular. 

You may say the grapes are sour: in one such picture with people (read: girls, women) from all age groups, I had my hand much below the waist. What would they have thought – I had no clue about the angles? I, on the other hand, feel ignorance is bliss and chicken wings are tastier when on my lips and not on my hips.

Same line, multiple meanings.