'No Darling, You are not Fat.'

Married men, or rather men, who’ve had the privilege of being with a woman, know that the answer to ‘Am I looking fat’ is always ‘No, darling’. You might be looking at a hundred kg woman but the truth shall do you no good. 

It is not that we can’t take the truth. It is just that we want you to look at us with those puppy eyes of a tenth grader believing in the fact that we are perfect. Isn’t that why you fell in love with us in the first place? Then why not stick to believing that!

I know we are being hypocrites when we do that. We want you to treat us like we are perfect and yet we keep trying to change things about you. Like the other day I reminded my husband that he was still wearing the clothes that we had bought when he was going to meet my parents for the first time. And we’ve been married for 5.5. years! I told him that I will go to a mall and buy him some tees so that he can give his old wardrobe a makeover. He told me if I did that he will go ahead and buy me something that I don’t need (read: phone). His exact words were tum karke to dikhao. Now see what he did there: He tried to treat me perfectly while I tried to change his personality by making him look presentable. He also gave me a few laughs when I was in a mood for a fight.

Imagine what would have happened if he told me that I needed new clothes to look presentable?! All hell would have broken lose and the likes of Pizza Hut, Nandos and Subway would have taken advantage by providing us excellent delivery options for a month. Hypocrisy, I tell you. 

Now I am a dog when it comes to smells. Ok, bitch, but, whatever. So I told the Boy that he needs to have a good set of perfumes to keep me interested. He was glad to oblige. I wondered though, what actions I will take if he told me the same thing or even gave me subtle hints on the way I should smell. 

One day I told him that he never calls me from office. He has little work load so the fact that he doesn’t miss me when he is away is not good for my ego. He immediately put an alarm on his phone for the next few days. The phone would buzz at the exact same time every day and we would have a few laughs. Within a couple of days I told him to stop disturbing me and that I needed space. Yeah, I know, no woman would take those words lightly. And yeah, I know, this guy is a genius.

So you see we are brazen enough to tell you what we like about you and what we don’t. But if you dare to do the same, your future is doomed. You need to know the right answers(if there are any) to the questions we keep throwing at you. You need to know the right moves. Learn from the Boy. He told me I look good in whatever I wear when I asked him how a particular dress/top was looking. I told him he must love me more to say that because I tend to criticize a tad too much. Just then he remembered that I didn’t look good in pajamas and specs. I told him that men who really love their women, love them the most in pajamas. So he toned down his volume and said, ‘Ok, maybe just specs’.

Haha! So you see, even an expert can fail sometimes. There are really no right answers except the universal, ‘No, darling, you are not fat’!